


Exile

by sweeterthanthis



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bucky Barnes Made a Big Mistake, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Oral Sex, Past Infidelity, The Last Time, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:48:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29075076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweeterthanthis/pseuds/sweeterthanthis
Summary: You never really think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever – but you don’t.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	Exile

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is totally self indulgent, and I know some people don’t like to read cheating Bucky. But life happens, and shit happens. This is for all the girls who never had the strength to walk away. You deserve the world, and absolutely no less. A couple of my favourite Greys Anatomy quotes nestled in there, including the summary. Because I couldn’t not.

Bucky Barnes never thought he deserved her – knew it from the minute he’d clapped eyes on her. They’d fought about it on more than one occasion: the disagreement always ending in tears.

His tears, and her arms wrapped around him tightly.

She’d forgiven him more than once for his misgivings.

Self-sabotage, some might call it.

The girls, the bars, the nights he’d stumbled through their front door with the stench of cheap perfume radiating off his clothes. He’d always been able to explain it away, and she’d loved him so damn much that she believed him.

Or maybe she loved him so much, she couldn’t bring herself to face the truth – until the night she could fool herself no longer.

When she’d found him in their bed, in between another woman’s thighs.

The look on her face that night would haunt him until the day he died, of that he was certain.

As he stared at her from across the room of the packed club, he wondered if it was karmic justice – having to watch another man with his hand on her waist, whispering sweetly in her ear while she giggled like a carefree teenager.

She was radiant; dressed in a floor length, black, satin gown. Her hair immaculate, and her make up accentuating her natural beauty.

A certified mindblower.

Of course, Bucky would have thought the very same if she’d been dressed in a paper bag. It was all the same to him. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen – and he’d lost her.

He knew he wasn’t welcome, that the last person she’d want to see on her birthday was him; but he just couldn’t stay away. And as much as watching her with another man twisted his gut, he watched all the same.

Bucky hated himself enough to put himself through that simple torture, it was only what he deserved.

He found himself at the bar, to nobody’s surprise.

That’s where he could be found most nights.

He drowned himself in tequila while the sweet sounds of her laughter swallowed him whole. And he sat there and let it.

The scent of her perfume permeated the air around him – knocking him off kilter, his eyes closing involuntarily.

She was close now; he could feel it.

The hairs at the back of his neck standing on end when she brushed past him, her elbows resting on the bar top next to him.

“What are you doing here, Barnes?”

Her voice was sweet like syrup as she motioned to the bartender for two more of the same, but he could sense the hostility; the tension between the two of them causing his heartbeat to quicken.

“Came t’say Happy Birthday, Doll.”

“You’ve got some nerve. I’d like you to leave.” Her tone was soft, but he could hear the tremble in her voice – her hands shaking just a little as she scooped up the two drinks in her palms.

“Didn’t take you long to spread your legs for someone else, did it?”

Bucky winced at his own words, his mouth engaging before his intoxicated brain had the chance to. The sharp intake of breath beside him had his heart pounding, and he couldn’t help but hope that she’d bite.

But she didn’t – and it made his chest ache.

“Go home, Barnes. Go home before you say something you’ll regret.”

He didn’t, of course.

Instead choosing to wash his shame away with more tequila, every now and then forcing himself to watch her in someone else’s arms – the vibrant glow of her cheeks as she beamed up at _him_ causing his jaw to clench.

He needed a minute, a second to collect himself before he put his fist through the bar top. Fists balled tightly at his sides, fingernails biting into the flesh of his palms, Bucky made his way out onto the balcony.

The buzzing of New York traffic rang in his ears along with muffled cries of _‘Happy Birthday’_ through the thick glass doors behind him.

This time last year, it was his arms wrapped around her waist, his lips peppering soft kisses on her skin, his eyes she gazed into so lovingly.

Bucky knew she deserved to be happy, deserved someone who could give her the world – everything he couldn’t. But the sharp pain in his chest every time he thought of her with someone else, the thought of her hands on someone else; it destroyed him.

And to know he was the cause of his own pain, well that was just the kicker wasn’t it?

“You know, I asked you very politely to leave Barnes. Why are you still here?”

His shoulders tensed, fingertips gripping the metal railing in front of him, fighting the urge to fall to his knees and beg her to forgive him, to give him something other than formal pleasantries and cold stares.

He found himself missing the nights that she’d screamed at him, the nights that she’d pound her little fists against his chest and beg him to tell her the truth about where he’d been.

The passion that radiated from her told him how strongly she felt, how much she loved him.

And he resented the fact that she’d seemingly moved on, left him in the past where he no doubt he deserved to be. A sore lesson that life had handed her; to never sacrifice her time for someone who was too broken to stop.

“M’not bothering you.” He slurred, the effects of endless shots finally began to rise to the surface. Unexplainable rage bubbled within him when he heard the sole of her heel tapping against the concrete tiles, and he just couldn’t stop himself. “Why don’t you go back inside and drape yourself all over Lover Boy, don’t worry about me.”

“Oh, I’m not.” It was quick sharp, and it made his gut wrench. “You know, I don’t get it. Three years. Three years, I gave you everything. You didn’t give one solitary fuck then. God knows how many women you _really_ fucked in our bed.”

The click of her heels echoed through the chilly night air; the proximity between them slowly dissipating. He saw her hands out of the corner of his eye, reaching out for the metal rail, the gentle glint of a Ruby on her ring finger shattering him.

_She couldn’t be._

Bucky looked again, just to be sure – and he wished he hadn’t.

“It’s a promise ring, apparently.” She hummed, holding her hand out in front of her and admiring the precious gem. “A promise that he’ll take care of me, cherish me, be _faithful_ to me. I’ve always wondered what that felt like.”

She was trying to hurt him, the way he’d hurt her – and fuck, if it wasn’t working.

“S’been four months, Doll. Already got a ring on your finger, someone else in between your legs. Can’t have cared that much.”

“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to call me a whore. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke _._ ” Her bottom lip trembled, but the determination was clear to see. “You were _it_ for me. I was done. In it for the long haul. _You_ fucked that up, Barnes. So, live with it.”

“Doll, please just—” Bucky placed his hand over hers, an instant reaction to her swift change of demeanor.

“Get your hands off me!” She hissed, ripping her arm from his firm grasp. The force in which she recoiled made him physically wince, as if his touch burned through her soft skin. “You don’t get to put your hands on me, y-you don’t—”

Bucky couldn’t stand it – couldn’t bear to stand there and watch her beautiful face crumple with pain all over again, the tears welling in her eyes, threatening to spoil her make up.

He watched as she sucked in a breath through her nose, closing her eyes to compose herself.

“I’m gonna go to the restroom, and when I get back, you’ll be gone. Goodbye, Barnes.”

Bucky watched as she turned, her eyes still tight shut, unable to let his own follow her as she walked away from him once again – he’d never despised himself more.

It didn’t take him long to sober up, aimlessly wandering block to block, his hands stuffed in his pockets wondering how he’d ever been stupid enough to push her away. She’d given him everything a man could ever want, ever need; yet his undeserving heart couldn’t take it.

He didn’t _deserve_ that level of adoration, didn’t for one second believe it. Maybe a part of him wanted her to leave, to find someone who would treat her the way he never could.

And now that she had, he wanted nothing more than to wrap her up in his arms and make a thousand promises, pray to all the Gods. Gods he wasn’t even sure he believed in.

He’d do anything – as long as she’d be his again.

Bucky didn’t know how he found himself standing outside her door, his feet just carried him there, his heart tugging towards the only home he’d ever really known.

He had no idea if she was even there – if she was alone. For all he knew, she was wrapped up in _his_ arms in their bed.

The mere thought of it had him shaking, the conscious part of his mind telling him that it was no more than he deserved, no less than he’d done to her. His betrayal was worse than any kind of pain she could ever inflict upon him.

His fist connected with the hard wood in front of him, knocking three times; his pulse quickening, pounding against his throat. He couldn’t do it, didn’t even know what he’d say if she answered the door.

So, he turned, scurrying back down the porch steps, and striding away.

“Stupid _fucking_ —”

“Hello?”

Her voice startled him, picking up his pace, not daring to look over his shoulder in fear of shattering completely.

He was stopped in his tracks though, warmth spreading through his calf as the soft bundle of fur climbed between his legs, looking up at him with those warm, ember eyes.

_‘C’mon Bucky, look at those eyes, please.’_

She didn’t need to beg that day, because he’d fallen head over heels for the little fur ball the moment he’d laid eyes on it.

“Bowie, come back! Here, kitty!”

Bucky scooped her up, her fluffy cheek nuzzling against his as her purrs vibrated through him.

God, he’d missed that cat.

He turned back, making his way back towards her front door, unable to lift his eyes from the floor as shame burned in his cheeks.

“Barnes, w-what are you doing here?”

Oh, but he had to then, because the sound of her little voice trembling made his stomach churn. She was crying, her eyes twinkling with tears in the glow of the orange street lights.

Her eyes flickered from his, down to the loveable animal in his arms, and just for a second he let his heart hope.

The way her face softened at the sight of them made him hope, for just a moment, that all might not be completely lost.

Taking the cat carefully from his grasp, she held it close to her chest, nuzzling into its neck and inhaling just a little.

That cat meant everything to her, a wholly therapeutic addition to their little family.

“What are you doing here?” She asked again, wiping her cheeks with the back of her free hand. It was only then that he noticed.

Her fingers were bare.

Where just two hours ago there sat a glistening Ruby, now it was bare. And his heart skipped a beat.

“Barnes?”

“Could you—could you stop calling me that? Just, please, don’t call me that.”

It was too impersonal, reminded him of the ties he’d severed, and he couldn’t cope with it.

“Fine, James it is then.” She sighed, a shiver running through her as the cool wind ruffled the black satin around feet. “I’m tired. What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know. I was just walking and I—”

“Goodnight, James.”

Fuck it. It was now or never, and he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t try.

“I love you!” He could have sworn he’d heard a sob, watching her put one bare foot in front of the other to get to the front door. “I’m mess, and a fuck up, and I don’t deserve the time of day. But fuck, _baby_ , I love you.”

“Stop.”

She all but whispered it, but he heard it; his palm colliding with the hard wood as she attempted to close the door on him.

“Tell me that you don’t love me.” Bucky’s chest tightened at the sight of her bottom lip quivering, her teeth capturing it firmly to steady it. “I know you do. I know _you_.”

“What do you want me to say, James? You want me to let you back in here with open arms, forget all the shit you put me through?” He opened his mouth to answer, her voice cutting him off before he got the chance. “I gave you everything, and you _ruined_ me. Do you have any idea what it was like to find you in bed, _our_ bed, with—with some cheap whore.”

He knew. _God_ , he did.

“If you could just let me—”

“No! No, James.” Bringing her hands up to her face to shield her tears from him, she sucked in a desperate breath; and the sound of it catching in her throat broke him in two. “You’re right, you know. I do love you, probably always will love you.”

Fuck, he’d waited so long to hear those words fall from her pretty lips again – but they were laced with exhaustion.

“And I hate myself for it.”

Panic. That’s the only excuse he had for forcing his way through the door, his hands grabbing at her cheeks firmly, her palms gripping his forearms as she clenched her eyes tight shut.

“Baby, what’dya want me to do? D’you want me to beg? Because I will, I swear I’ll get down on my knees right now and beg.”

“Please, please stop.”

“Whatever it is, whatever I need to do, just tell me and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything – I can do it for you.”

The sting of a harsh slap across his face rendered him speechless, his eyes snapping up to meet hers, her pupils blown wide with rage, chest heaving as she gasped for breath.

Bucky stepped forward, hands raised as of attempting to pacify a raging bull, inches between them, his breath fanning the baby hairs framing her face.

“ _Please.”_

Catching the open door behind him with the heel of his boot, he kicked it shut, lips crashing down onto hers with such fervor and passion, he thought he might drown in it.

Her legs hitched around his waist, the sound of satin ripping and heavy breaths ringing in the air, hands everywhere, teeth knocking teeth. It was primal in a way it never had been, her fingernails raking against the column of his throat as she grabbed at him, heels digging into his spine while he carried her carefully up the stairs.

The thin straps of her dress slipped from her shoulders, his mouth and tongue devouring her throat as she wound her hips against him shamelessly, soft skin against harsh stubble making her whimper just like the way she used to do.

“Missed you, missed you so fucking much.” He breathed, open mouth dragging down her chest, her back arching into his hungry assault as she hit the mattress.

His tongue brushing against her nipples, torn satin bunched up around her waist, she writhed beneath him with enthusiasm; nails scratching against his scalp as she held him close to her chest, cherishing every stroke of his tongue on her flesh.

“You miss this mouth, Baby?” He breathed, looking up between the valley of her breasts, head thrown back and fingernails clutching cotton. “ _Fuck_ , look at you.”

“Please _,_ need it, need _you_.”

And Christ if it wasn’t like music to his ears.

“I’m here, Doll. I got’chu” His whispers left goosebumps on her soft stomach, tongue dipping into her belly button just a touch, thumbs hooking beneath the thin, black strap of her thong. “Gonna treat this pussy so good. Give her lots’a kisses, hmm? Show her how much I missed her.”

Her back arched gracefully up off the mattress, legs falling further apart of their own free will, and Bucky could swear he’d die there with his face between her thighs and be happy about it.

“B-b…”

It was right there on the cusp of her lips, her resolve completely shattered as she bucked her hips up to meet his hot, waiting mouth.

“ _Bucky_.”

His tongue slipped between her sloppy, plump folds; slow and dirty, gentle hums vibrating through her already quivering core. The taste of her on his tongue reminding him why he’d spent hours between those soft thighs, the nights they shuddered against his cheeks, falling apart against his eager lips.

“Like that, oh _fuck_ , like that.” His tongue lashed against her swollen nub, teeth nipping at her labia, lips smothering against her sopping hole; and fuck, if hearing her soft mewls didn’t make his cock throb. “Bucky, Jesus _Christ_ , Bucky!”

“C’mon Baby, show me what I’ve been missing.”

His fingers slid into her like a knife through butter, her back arching up off the mattress with each stroke of his digits against her g-spot. She was magnificent, truly.

A treasure that he’d never learnt to appreciate, not until it was too late.

Her muscles clenched around his knuckles, clit throbbing against his tongue, all the old tell-tale signs that she was about to shatter.

And shatter she did.

Teeth chattering, hair gripped at the scalp, toes curling, thighs quivering.

He loved her best like this – the overwhelming tension causing her body to undulate beautifully, cheeks flushed, mouth hung open in dumbstruck awe.

And as he looked up from between her thighs, he couldn’t help but feel the overwhelming urge to tell her just how much he adored her.

So, he did.

“Don’t know how I survived without you, Baby.” A kiss to her belly button, teeth grazing softly against her ribcage. “Can’t believe I was stupid enough to let you go.”

She shuddered beneath his caress, her womanly body twitching with each gentle assault from his lips, her hands entwined in his hair, holding him against her heaving chest.

“Love you. Fuck, love you so much.” He whispered, laving at her nipples, tongue running a sloppy trail up between the valley of her breasts. Sharp fingernails bit into his neck, his open mouth breathing against the column of her throat, the taste of salty tears soaking into his tastebuds—

She was crying. Eyes clenched shut, glistening teardrops forcing their way through the cracks and catching on her thick lashes. And it broke his fucking heart.

“Baby? Fuck, what’s wrong?” She didn’t answer, instead burying her face into the pillow beside her, her soft hands catching his cheeks, thumbs feathering against his stubbled skin while she sobbed silently. “You’re scaring me, Doll.”

With a sniffle and a rub of her cheek against the pillowcase, her eyes caught his, and the pain residing in them made his heart ache.

Opening her mouth as if to say something, she halted, fingertips tickling the soft skin behind his ears.

“This is it, Buck.”

His brow furrowed in confusion; breath caught in his throat as he tried to decipher the meaning behind her words.

“I don’t, what are you—“

“This is it.” She breathed, bottom lip trembling. “This is the last time.”

“It’s over Bucky, we’re done.”

She was defeated, bogged down by all the hurt, all the betrayal.

Bucky Barnes had destroyed her. And he knew it. Knew he didn’t even deserve one final moment in her bed.

 _Their_ bed.

The bed he’d had the nerve to take another woman in, wrapped up in their sheets, without a second thought to her delicate heart.

He deserved it. He knew it; knew he wasn’t worthy of her light. But that didn’t stop it hurting, didn’t stop it from tearing his own heart to shreds.

Their lips touched, the heated passion laying dormant and replaced by something he could only describe as complete devastation, the foundations of their love crushed by the weight of his senselessness.

His tears mixed with hers, pooling in his mouth, his hands tracing every curve of her beautiful face – as if to cement it into the deepest corners of his mind, to remember her in every godforsaken way before she closed the door on him forever.

“I love you.” He sobbed, his breath captured by her quivering lips, her head tilting to the side, stubble scratching against her raw, tear stained cheek. “I’m so fucking sorry, Doll.”

He was, and she knew it. He could tell. Could tell by the way she cradled his face in her palms, hips winding up against his pelvis, welcoming him to slide home one more time.

The pleasure that her fluttering walls gifted him made him choke on his cries, her arms hooking beneath his shoulders, fingernails biting into the flesh of his back – the pain and pleasure wracking his misery-stricken bones. How could something so _fucking_ beautiful feel so gut-wrenching?

If it was to be the last time he’d ever feel her like this, he’d savour every second, down to the very last. If there was a chance that he wouldn’t get to hold her in his arms afterwards, he’d do it while he was still wrapped up inside of her.

Tangled up in her, his lips not once daring to leave hers, open mouths breathing into one another, the essence of their shared heartache thumping in the air.

“ _Bucky_.”

It was a plea. For what, he couldn’t be sure. But as he rutted against her, felt her soft, tight cunt welcoming him in with each slow, insistent thrust of his hips – he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything but _feeling_.

He couldn’t last, no matter how much he wanted to. There was no way; no feeling that would ever come close to being inside her.

Tormented between bliss and heartache, he forced himself to keep his eyes open – to drink in every soft ‘ _oh_ ’ that left her lips, every arch of her spine, every gentle buck of her hips.

“Tell me you love me, Doll.” He begged unashamedly, uncaring of the desperation dripping from his hushed tone. “If this is the last time, _please_ tell me.”

Her arms wrapped around his neck, the tip of her nose brushing ever so lightly against his, she sighed – soft, and deep.

“I— _Oh—I can’t, Buck.”_

God, it made his chest tighten; the solemnity dripping from her hushed whispers.

Bucky poured every ounce of frustration, every last bit of self-loathing into her as his cock pumped in and out of her heavenly pussy – her muscles tightening around his girth, her climax ever-approaching just like his own.

Bracing himself on the headboard, fingers digging into mahogany wood, he tried to hold it back; to keep himself from tumbling over the edge, simply not wanting it to end.

“Let go, Buck.” She whispered, fingernails scratching lightly at the nape of his neck, palms encasing his throat – the affection damn near breaking his heart all over again.

It was laced with sorrow, a mirage of what could have been, what he could have had every night for the rest of his life.

“Fuck—fuck, _no_ , I’m sorry.” He wept, and in any other scenario he might have been ashamed of the fact, but in that moment, the realisation hitting him like a tonne of bricks, he simply let go. “Please, Doll. _Please_. I’m so sorry.”

He stilled then, cock seated deep within her, unable to move, barely able to breathe as he choked on his own sobs.

“Bucky.” She soothed, the kindness in her voice eating into his guilty heart. “Bucky, look at me.”

Her glossy eyes gazed up at him, forehead crumpled in concern, lips trembling as she tried to keep herself in check – and Bucky couldn’t help but wonder, just for a fleeting moment, if there was any part of her that felt the same regret as he did.

“ _Let go, Baby.”_

The pet name rolling off her tongue the way it did, the way she rolled her hips up against him, neck arching back into the pillow, his cock hitting the deepest parts of her – he could hold back no longer.

One hand tangled in her hair, the other pinning her hip to the mattress, he let rip. Flesh slapping against flesh, her tight walls clamping down around him sporadically, he lost himself in the rhythm of fucking her.

The hand on her hip slipped beneath her, gripping the rump of her ass, tugging her up to meet his rapid thrusts. All he could do was watch her, watch the way her face softened with bliss, eyes rolling back ever so; she was fucking incredible, and she had no clue just how much.

“Bucky, fuck, that’s it. There—oh _fuck_ , I’m right there.”

Her arms spread wide by her sides, knuckles white from clutching the sheets, she lost it. Slick moisture coating every inch of him, her clit throbbing against his cock when he angled his hips up just the way she liked it – prolonging her climax for as long as possible. She deserved that.

She deserved everything.

It was coming.

It was coming and there was no chance of holding off any longer, one more brutal, bone-wracking thrust, and the stars began to dance behind his eyelids, every muscle in his body tensing and quaking.

He barely noticed her wet her lips on the hollow of his throat, the sweet whispers that she painted against his dewy skin as she talked him through his own rapture.

Hollowness followed, faster than he could’ve ever anticipated – her hands falling from his biceps onto the mattress either side of her.

Her demeanour changing in an instant, she shuffled up the bed, untangling her shaky limbs from his, and climbing up off the bed.

He remained there; palms flat, eyes staring down at the slight indent where she’d lain just seconds before.

_It was over._

He’d known it before, known it all along.

But something about the way in which she stood there, scrambling to pull her ripped silk dress back up over breasts, her arms wrapped protectively across her chest – it truly sank in.

“I—I think you should leave now Bucky.”

His jaw twitched, teeth clenched as he stood, unable to find the words to beg any more.

Mindlessly, he redressed – the faint tinge of her sweet perfume lingering on the collar of his shirt, his heart twisting in his chest as the scent hit his nostrils once again.

He was rooted to the spot. His legs unwilling to take those final steps out of their – _her_ – apartment.

She stepped forward, her fingers reaching for his hand, drawing absentminded circles on his palm the way she always used to when he was anxious.

“I have to live with what you did to me for now, I have to learn to live without you, and I’ll get over it.” She breathed, taking a moment to compose herself. “You have to live with what you did for the rest of your life, and I want you to learn from it Buck. I truly hope you find peace within yourself.”

“Underneath all the shit, all the hurt – you’re a great guy, the best actually. Find a girl, settle down, live your life. I want you to be happy. And maybe, one day, we’ll look back on all this and smile. Maybe it was all meant to happen for one reason or another. I’ll always love you, Buck. But I love myself more.”

Fuck, it hurt like hell, but he’d never respected her more than in that moment. The strength that oozed from her, the way she asserted her worth, the _kindness_ that she still showed even then – even when the pieces of her own heart were barely holding together.

Her lips brushed against the corner of his mouth, a kiss so chaste, yet laced with three years’ worth of love and adoration. Her final act of physical affection seared into his mind, a memory to look back on fondly when the time should come when thinking of her didn’t pull tears to his eyes .

He wasn’t even sure he ever would be.

“Goodbye, Doll.”

And that night, as he strolled through the streets of New York City, the desperate urge to find the nearest bar and drown himself in alcohol and bad decisions, he made a choice.

He made himself a promise, that he was going to change. Become the person that she always knew he could become – the Bucky that she fell in love with all those years ago.

He’d do it for her, of course. Like she’d asked him to.

Find a girl, settle down, live his life – without her.


End file.
